Lost Art of the Valentine

The card had a beautiful cover with flowers, and gold embossed script that read: "Roses are Red, Violets are Blue Because you're so precious"

And it opened to a cartoon character pointing at himself saying: "This stud's for you"

That was last year's valentine's card. I'm a lucky girl.

Now that it's 2008 and my husband of nearly 20 years and I have come to know and love one another so well, I can hardly wait to see what comes next.

Look, it's not that I'm a gushy romantic type, embittered by a humorous card. I far prefer humor to the cheesy, sappy, dime store valentines so clearly penned by some 80 year old Hallmark Hermit named Melvin. I can't look at one of those things without getting a mental image of the decrepit little guy with coke bottle glasses, sitting at his easel in his fifth floor Jersey apartment; Talking to his 20 cats.
As far as creating a romantic mood, that's just a real buzz kill.

So no, I don't long for something sappy. But I have to add that I really am grateful that, despite the stud thing, and getting a coffee maker for my birthday last fall, Mr. D did something incredibly fantastic as an encore. That Christmas, using his skills as a luthier, and making use of thee many fine imported wood samples he had in stock, he presented me with a beautiful wooden ring with matching, intricately carved earrings that obviously took months to make.

So while the coffee pot and card were a little iffy, at least my spouse had the good sense not to follow up with something as domestically intrinsic as pots and pans with a big red bow. He created a lasting impression, because he did something to show that he thought about me a little each day in the course of the gift's creation.

I can even go so far as to say that he likely spent time working on the project for me on the very same days I may have been, ah, difficult to love.

I am really not so unique when I say that, maybe I'm good with a "This Stud's for you" approach because, at nearly 20 years, we're at that in-between stage; Hot, romantic, sappy gifts being at one end of the spectrum, pots in pans at the other. It's not all a whirlwind, but I still get gifts that are meaningful from time to time. Trust me. They cover a lot of ground for the times when the name on the gift box might have read "Mr. Coffee".

This is not to say that women can't occasionally hit one out of the park! I can remember one year, in the depth of our new-parent poverty, I had no money to buy Mr. D a gift, or even a card. So I recycled a large cut glass jar that once held cashews, and placed over a hundred little strips of paper inside, each containing a memory of fun and meaningful things we did together in our first decade as a team. His response, an honest one, was:

"This is freakin' cool!"

We spent the rest of the evening going through the slips of paper, laughing our heads off. It was just a real celebration of everything that was good about "us". Hallmark could not have done better.

I'm sharing these glimpses of marital coolness in the hope that I might convince you that I can empathize with those of you who agonize over this Valentine's Day tradition. I want to tell you you're making it harder than it has to be! Sometimes, simple really is better.
But let me tell you something: Not all of you are getting the message.

I have proof. In case you haven't heard about this before, you should know that each Valentine's night, right around 5:30, I like to wander in to Walgreen's and hit the gift card section. I like to be there at this specific time because unbeknownst to many, an incredible drama unfolds!

Amid the Walgreen's signage, the end cap chaos of flowers in a tube, the tiny little made in China stuffed bears holding tiny little stuffed hearts, and pre-fabbed boxes of inedible confectionŠthere assembles a quiet, confused, and clearly panicked mass. It's like cattle being led to slaughter.

See, this is where the men who have forgotten to get the old lady a Valentine gather to drop a five spot into the aforementioned Melvin's wallet.

Don't believe me? Try it! I feel it only fair to warn you that if you're a female, navigating your way amid the occasional grunts, nudges, head scratching and mumbling, you had best be prepared to get bombarded for advice. I made this mistake one year. I can only liken it to being the guy rowing the last lifeboat to leave the Titanic.

This year, as someone who has seen each one of you (or your other dimensional twin) at the Walgreen's Panicfest, I thought I would try to do you a service.  Put down that Mr. Coffee and back away slowly, Bub. You need a reality check.

See, if you would just create your own valentine, funny, ironic, or otherwise; you could save yourself from sinking.

Here is some truth: Hallmark cards really stink! Nothing says "I'm doing this because I have to" more than a piece of Melvin's artwork in an envelope.

So what's a guy to do?

First, you have to come to terms with the fact that we women really, really DO like the stuff you make. Especially when we know you took the time and effort to do it in spite of your much valued (and appreciated!) Machismo.

But I knew you wouldn't believe me if I didn't bring in reinforcement. SoŠenter Jeff Vande Zande, Associate Professor of English at Delta College. Understanding that you may view this do it yourself valentine concept as an incredibly huge undertaking, he has teamed with Ken Meisel to present a seminar at The Creative Spirit Center in Midland to instruct you on the ways of love. The tickets are just $10, and the event really does cover a lot of ground.

This isn't a "Men is from Mars, Women are From Venus" get-in-touch-with-your-inner-child sort of thing. It's actually pretty cool.
Aside from Meisel's interesting exploration of the neuroscience of love, Vande Zande's contribution includes a functional approach on how to write an effective valentine. So before you completely freak out at the prospect, consider what I've told you, and view this more as a live Chilton's Manual, if you will, on fixing the Valentine's conundrum.

I can give you the tools. Only you can fix the engine.

Read on and learn for yourself how to build the ultimate (gulp!) valentine!

Review: Jeff, as an English Professor, you've seen a lot of poetry come and go. What are some of the preconceptions about valentines that you encounter which may still surprise or amuse you? 

Vande Zande: It surprises me that people use so much hyperbole when they write love poems.  "My life would end without you!"  Well, no it wouldn't.  The statement is false, as are many like it, so the poem is false.

I think people believe that a Valentine needs to have really exaggerated language.  They compare peoples' lips to rubies and their eyes to limpid pools. They think they need to use lovey-dovey language, as opposed to honest language.     

But people receiving a Valentine probably respond best to a one in which they recognize themselves.  Most valentines sound sappy because people are trying too hard.  What if we were just honest and wrote lines which would make the receiver say, "Hey, that's me!  You appreciate me for me!   I see myself in here!"     Like I might write the following about my wife.                                        
Mornings, I sit at the kitchen table with my coffee, waiting  for you, the blur of your blue robe             as you go by for your own                       cup, and then join me, smiling                  sleepily maybe not knowing                      that I never take a sip
Okay, it's no great shakes as poetry, but my wife would read it and say, "That's me!"  She would recognize her blue robe. She would recall that we always drink our coffee together in the kitchen, when we can, before the kids wake.  And, she would learn a little secret, and it's true; I don't like to start things, even the day, without her.  And, I'm not making it up.        

                    
The secret is the truth. The Valentine is intimate and honest and about herŠfor her only. I don't care if other readers get it. I want her to get it.  I want her to see the little ways she is in my life - the truthful, honest ways. Review: What are the best and worst aspects of a Valentine?

Vande Zande: The worst are what I mentionedŠthe poems that don't truly speak of the other.

The best use honest language and the receiver recognizes that in the poem. They use "the language of paying attention" Škind of my own term.  It means paying attention to the details of the one we love. The best are notice things, even if it's a bathrobe and a cup of coffee.            
Most Valentines don't really pay attention.  They just use exaggerated, lovey-dovey language that ends up not meaning much of anything.  "I breathe my every breath for you" sounds like it would be nice, but in its exaggeration, it's pretty forgettable.

Review: Please site some examples of what to do and what NOT to do:

Vande Zande: As we will cover in the upcoming seminar, it's simple! Just focus on really bringing up details about the person that are true, and that you cherish.  There's the trick - you will have to sit and think - what do I cherish?  It's an important thing to think about, and most of us don't do it enough.  If your significant other listens well, then mention it in the poem! 

  Review: Give me an example of a real stinker of a valentine!

Vande Zande: "My love for you is like a dove we fit each other like a glove" Šit's horrible!  I'm not ever sure what the first line means, and I think it's only a setup so the end line rhyme.  People get way too hung up on making poems rhyme -- which makes them sappy and weak.

Review: What is the strength of a message sent through a valentine?

Vande Zande: The strength would be thatŠThe receiver thinks, "I see you seeing me", celebrating the specifics. Say, for instance, your significant other watches television in bed while you are asleep.  Šand you like being woken now and again when he laughs at something on late night television.  You like the small movement of the bed when he chuckles.  So . . . tell him! 

       
He will see that you are paying attention.  Your language will be telling him specifically what you cherish about him - even if it's only his chuckling late at night.  Again, it's no great shakes as poetry, but it will mean so much to the receiver when he sees you seeing and adoring him - specifically.

Review: Do you believe that in today's world of on demand communication, that a valentine really still has a place?

Vande Zande: Of course, because it has the potential to carry with it an intimacy and honesty that most other forms of communication don't!

Review: What is the importance of proper prose in a valentine?

Vande Zande: A Valentines doesn't have to be grammatically correct.  The punctuation can be off.  It certainly doesn't have to rhyme - and probably shouldn't.  It doesn't even have to be that poetic.  As long as someone is willing to be honest and specific about their significant other, then that person can write a Valentine that will be meaningful to the receiver.  It's not for publication - it's for communicating intimacy and attachment! Show the receiver that you are truly noticing him or her, and the Valentine can't fail.

Review: Please explain your views on the tradition, and the purpose of your contribution to it. That is to say, why would you contribute to a seminar on love and its expression?

Vande Zande: We want to run this seminar so people can really express what they feel to their loved one.  We want to give a chance for people to have honest communication with each other.     The Valentine should be an intimate thing - like a love letter - but it has become a formulaic, over-written, nearly meaningless thing.  People don't tell each other often enough what they mean to each other.  We feel these things, but don't express them.                             

People who attend the seminar will have the chance to explore what they really feel about their significant other - and express those feelings.  And, hopefully, this kind of expression will go beyond Valentines Day into every day of their lives.

 Review: How scary is this seminar to someone who may feel a little behind the ball on the whole "love thing"?

Vande Zande: More than anything, we want people to know that this will be a fun night. Our hope is that everybody leaves with a poem, or the beginnings of a poem, that they will eventually be able to give away on February 14. 

We aren't going to make people share their poems aloud.  In fact, every valentine should only have an audience of one. It should be an intimate recognition between the giver and the receiver.  "I see you seeing me."      

The event might ask people to step out of their comfort zone, but Šthose who receive the poems will be truly touched. Shouldn't we do such things for the ones we love? 

An Evening About Love will be held at The Creative Spirit Center in Midland on Saturday, February 2nd. For more information e-mail Jeff Vande Zande at (www.jeffvandezande.com )