That One Guy

Dear Guy;

I am in a bad situation. I have been dating a cute guy, we only went out a few times, and I found out that his roommate is gay. I don't think my new boyfriend knows about this.  Worse, the friend who told me said he was HIV positive and has not told my boyfriend this, either. They both are in the same college, and they are both from out of town. Moving is expensive! I can also see that they are really great friends. I feel like I should tell my boyfriend, but at the same time, I don't want to cause a big blow up or be the one who breaks up a friendship. And there is that thing about my new boyfriend having a gay roommate that is bugging me too.

Signed.
Becky from Saginaw

Dear Becky;

Since you have only dated your new boyfriend a short while, you need to step back and be a little more fair.
I live by the old adage: 'Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see".

Gossip is a terrible thing, even if a well-intentioned friend brings it to you. Your best approach is to tell your boyfriend that you are concerned for his roommate, and that you feel that his roomie should know that this rumor is circulating. He lives with this person, and he should know best how to approach it without hurting the man's feelings or putting him on the defense.

Your letter seems to indicate you would have an issue and concern over a gay man living with your straight boyfriend.  Since you have not known either of them very long, it is not your place to cast aspersions on either one of them.

Just as a man and a woman can live together platonically, so can two men when one of them is gay. If you really like this new boyfriend, you need to stop chasing shadows and just get to know him and his living situation without passing judgment.

I had a friend who dated a girlfriend who messed around on him constantly. He went to the clinic for a screening when a urinary tract infection had him wondering if she brought him home an STD. He mentioned to another mutual friend that he had an AIDS screening, and that was all it took. People started talking.

The impact of gossip has long standing effects. The person of interest should know that he is being talked about, but you're not the one to tell him.

Take a greater concern for the harm this could cause to your boyfriend's roomie, and less concern about something that is likely not true. The best defense is not to entertain gossip at all, but if it's unavoidable, make a point of not passing it on.

-Guy

Dear Guy;

I have no idea how to handle myself at a formal dinner. My girlfriend asked me to come with her to her sister's rehearsal dinner and wedding, and I know I am going to screw this up. Advice?

-Bumbler in Beaverton

Dear Bumble,

Chew with your mouth closed. Don't talk with it full, and keep it shut and nod politely if the conversation exceeds your ability to remain eloquent. Put your napkin on your lap, not around your tie. Small bites and don't serve yourself, allow yourself to be served.

Remember that ladies come first: pull out their chair for them, allow them to go before you, and be at her service. Smile a lot, drink very little, and stop being so hard on yourself.

Odds are you have learned some manners over the years. Put them all to work for you and don't sweat the small stuff. If you were a big galloon without manners, odds are she would not have asked you to go anyway.
( As an aside, begin with the outside forks and work your way in. You'll see what I mean when you get there.)

-Guy

Dear Guy:

What is a guy supposed to do when a girl tells him "yes" at first, and always stops in the middle? She starts to say no halfway through the best part, and I never know if she's just talking or if she really means it. Is she just saying no to one particular thing? Why the hell would she do that anyway? I'm tired of this happening.
-Battle Fatigued in Birch Run

Dear Battle:

Under any and all circumstances, no means NO.

If she tells you to stop, you must. Even if it means that you head off to the restroom and finish the job yourself.
You need to have open communication with her on this. If it is simple excited exclamation, your politely getting up and leaving the room mid-performance will clarify that you will always stop when she says no. Some couples work out code words, particularly in rougher situations, to avoid any confusion on the matter.

Women, overall, tend to see sex far differently than men do. They have to be selective about who they bed with, and they have to feel a strong element of trust when they do bed down.

There are always exceptions, of course, but you have to give them credit. They leave themselves vulnerable to you emotionally and physically, and that can be difficult for some. The only cure for these sorts of difficulties in understanding is to ask her about it later, without denigrating her or leaving the impression that you are angry. Having a heart to heart will bring you closer together, and make your intimate moments more enjoyable.

Either way, I am concerned by the way your letter is written. If this is a trend you have seen with other women, you may want to see if you are doing something, which might hurt or frighten your partner in some way, and amend your behavior accordingly.

If these sort of feminine objections are a pattern in your experience, thinking about what precipitated the objection and bypassing it the next time may be a good route.
I wish you luck.

-Guy

                                           

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