That One Guy 626

Dear Guy

I am a 26-year-old man who was recently incarcerated for the last of a series of stupid offenses. I made a lot of dumb mistakes as a teen-ager and adult, and got caught every time. I was drinking, fighting, stealing and raising hell. After a while I got an attitude about it, thinking I was just a big time screw up and I didn't care if I got caught or not.

But now that I've been out of jail I have been lonely and depressed. I think if I meet the right person I can turn my life around, but how do you do that when you have a bad history?  I don't want to date a bar rat or somebody who will take anyone as a boyfriend. I want to meet someone who is smart and who has it together. Unfortunately, those types of women sort of frown on us jail birds.

I don't want to lie to anyone about the time I spent in jail. What do I do to meet someone when I have to tell them about it?

Signed
Lesson Learned

Dear Learned,

You haven't specified the nature of your history, in other words, what you've done to be incarcerated, so I can only speak in general terms. Obviously people make mistakes, and some of us take a hell of a lot longer to learn from them. I've made my share, as have many readers of this column.

It seems to me you should be commended for recognizing the problems you've had and addressing them head on.  You don't strike me as a screw up any more: you are taking responsibility for your actions and have accepted the consequences. You are honest about your history and you seem to have some solid ideas about the person you really are.

Women, despite the bad wrap they get, can be incredibly accepting and forgiving creatures. I'm confident that you will find someone to love you, "warts & all". However, my advice, for what it's worth, is that you don't tag your ability to turn your life around on ANY other person.

Too often we see people depend on someone else to make a change in their lives. While having a positive influence and driving force in your life is vital, it is absolutely true that in the long run, ONLY YOU can be the decider on how your life will proceed from this point. You are still a very young person, with a world of positive possibilities at your feet.

Take this time, post-incarceration, to become an educated, articulate, and moral person. Make good decisions based on solid thinking, and you will no longer be a victim of your upbringing, your history, or your mistakes. Before long, you will have been out of jail longer than you were in it; so what you do now is the truer mark of your character.
From the sounds of it, you have made great strides in that direction.

In today's penal system, there is almost no rehabilitative aspect to incarceration. One need only look at the rates of recidivism to understand that when we jail certain individuals, we are sending them to a virtual training ground for bad guys. While there are programs designed to re-integrate prisoners into society, they are woefully under funded and far too long after the fact. It's a ridiculous cycle and a sad testament to our system.

What you have done to break that cycle is noteworthy. You've proven that you can extricate yourself from the dangerous human propensity to wallow in self-pity, fear, and loathing.

When you are a confident, well spoken and well directed person, you are in a great position to decide on a partner who will compliment your effort, as oppose to drive it. You will have a strong enough sense of self to be a worthwhile endeavor for a person who will need you to be there for herŠjust as much as you will need her. I'm not talking co-dependency here; I'm talking about a healthy relationship full of give and take, and mutual respect.

I understand that public scrutiny can be brutal, especially in your situation. But no person, regardless of their situation, is entering into a healthy relationship when they are doing so with the idea that they need someone to save them.

As you progress with these positive steps, remind yourself that you are a worthwhile person with a lot to contribute to society and to a potential partner. You will then have the firm moral footing and responsible nature that will allow you to be selective in your choice of that partner. In short, view yourself as a man, not a "jail bird", and the type of woman you are looking for is apt to do the same.

I wish you the very best of luck, and I can only say that when you feel yourself starting to doubt your progress, I hope you will reach out to someone who is a positive influence in your life who can remind you of the good person you have become. Please keep me posted.

-Guy




Dear Guy,

I just had a great adventure with a woman who is incredible! She is funny and sexual and every guy in the room notices her when she walks in. 

I think I'm in love, and that spells trouble. I am terrible at relationships; I chicken out and do everything I can to get the girl to break up with me because.. well.. I'm terrible at relationships.

I don't want to do that this time, but I'm not sure what to do now.

Help!
-Rogue


Dear Rogue,

Congrats on finding a great lady. Sounds like you have decided to give this one a shot.
Your letter was pretty cryptic, so the best I can give you is a bit of encouragement (you can DO it!) and a stern warning to relax, quit obsessing, and start enjoying what is obviously a new thing for you. "New" may be scary, but not necessarily "bad".

Defense mechanisms like the ones you've described above are normal, but can be prohibitive. Part of falling in love and being in love is being vulnerable to hurt. Something can only affect you if it matters to you. These are the chances we take, my friend. 
If it feels mutual and right, take that chance! It may be worthwhile. If it fails, look back on the good parts and move on. If it succeeds, invite me to the 50th wedding anniversary.

Go on now and enjoy it. You have everyone's permission but your own.

-Guy


Dear Guy,

You should know that there is an active extra curricular and highly unofficial committee at the college I attend to reveal your identity and meet you in person. Your columns make great discussion over many beers, and we're determined to know who you are.
How about a clue from time to time?

-Those Other Guys

Dear Guys,

I'm sure that inadvertently, I have left numerous clues throughout each column. Again, my identity is an amalgamated version of somebody you may or may not know, directly or indirectly, either in the past or for future reference. It depends on your views regarding string theory.

Don't you have some Freud to study?

Thanks for the interest. Hoist one for me.

- Guy
                                           
Got a problem you want answered? Send your correspondence to 'ThatOneGuy@reviewthisradio.com