That One Guy 630

Dear Guy,

I am a once divorced adult male who is in love with a wonderful woman. She is funny, smart, caring, and very beautiful. She is a professional with a lot of respected business partners and she is very motivated. She makes me laugh. I can't wait to talk to her, and I miss her when she is not here.

We get along really great, and we have known one another for years, but I have not told her.

The reason that I haven't told her is because I'm not sure she would believe me. The truth is I want to commit to her, but she is disabled. She is in a wheelchair, and the kind of disability she has means she can only get worse. I knew her before she landed in a wheelchair, and my feelings have not changed for her in all of this time. I sense she feels the same way, but she does not know I feel this way about her.

I told a couple of close friends and the first thing I see on their faces is that they look revolted. It's like they think I'm weird or something. My parents know about this, and they keep telling me that if she feels the same way, and we begin a relationship, I would end up taking care of this person the rest of my life. Then they say "And what if it doesn't work out? You end up being the bad guy." And there is the issue of my teenage son, and how he would handle knowing that I want to marry her.

I realize there are some issues, but she is everything I have ever wanted in a person. What do I do?

Signed,
-Love is Blind

Dear Blind

Tell her.
You obviously feel very deeply for this person, and the last thing you need from everyone else is conjecture on your potential future with her that is largely based on her disability.

You haven't stated any other objections from friends and family based on her moral character or her ability to contribute to you on a personal level, which is what a good partner does. In fact, you have clearly indicated that this person is exactly the type of woman you have been looking for. 

I am sure you have heard from friends and family what all of the potential pitfalls are. And the hard reality is that all of the same looks you get from your friends will be a part of your everyday life when you live with someone who has a disability. Imagine how often she gets those looks. You sound as though you have pushed past that aspect of your situation.

If you truly love this person, and you sense that she has been harboring the same feelings, than I would guess that honesty is the best policy. Fairness in a relationship means allowing both sides to share their feelings regarding any challenge.

Sure, there are certain realities to face in this, and your parents, with whom you are obviously close, seem to be concerned that whatever the cause of her disability, it is progressive in nature. This is a viable concern.

Caring for a loved one who is incapacitated can be a heart wrenching and spirit crushing experience. Yet there are many people out there who are completely capable of doing so, and coming out better for it.  It sounds like your parents just want you to be sure that you understand that the level of commitment you are considering is fully understood.  It seems to me that their concerns are voiced because they want to spare you the pain of watching a spouse's health deteriorate. In the long run, from what you've written, it sounds like they are willing to stand behind whatever your decision may be.

As for your friends, it is a sad testament in today's world that many cannot seem to understand that the physical aspects of a relationship are not the end all/be all of its likelihood for success.

Additionally, there is a huge contradiction here! If this lady were perfectly healthy and suddenly suffered a debilitating accident, it would be reprehensible in the mind of others for you to view her as disabled first, and your wife second. That they are doing so now is an unfortunate insensitivity to what love really can be.

Go and talk to your young lady, and get her insight. It sounds to me like you have something very special, and if you allow the relationship to evolve in gradual steps, things will become clear to you in time. "Love is patient", it is said. As long as I have seen people grapple with this thing we call love, I have seen people marry for a lot of bad reasons. You seem to have all the right ones.

I wish you luck and thank you for replenishing my confidence in the human race. Where there is love, there is hope. Let me know how you are doing.

-Guy

Dear Guy
I have a feeling that my husband is addicted to Internet porn. He is on the computer all of the time, and he switches screens when I come into the room. He erases the history and I am all the time getting spammed with really nasty stuff. What do I say to him?

-Wifey

Dear Wifey,
There are programs out there to detect the activities on a computer. If your concerns are that great, it may be an option.

Addiction to anything, whether it's chocolate, porn, or Pabst, can be extremely detrimental to the person addicted, and the people who love them. In other words, too much of a good thing aint good.

If he's just cruising a few booby sites, let it go. Man is an odd critter with a love of the visual. If it is something deeper than that, approach him with the idea that you are concerned and you want to help. Condemnation and hurling dishes won't work in this scenario. Get the facts first, and give him an opportunity to be honest about what he's doing. If it is pervasive, there are many resources you can use to approach the problem and work with your spouse to find a solution. There is a website that offers a variety of materials on the matter, including step-by-step plans of actions for both sides. It is www.no-porn.com It also offers a free trial of a computer scan that will detect untoward activities.

I recommend it because it includes therapy referral and huge access to written materials that may address your situation more directly. It may give you worthwhile advice on how to best approach your husband. Most of these types of sites are Christian based, so if you find that incompatible with your belief system, you can find a more scientific approach through various search engines. Still, many have very educated resources.

Let me stress this:
I urge you to educate yourself before you make a fuss. If you are basing your conclusions on a few bad spams, know that, despite our best effort, this even happens on our kids' computer from time to time. It doesn't necessarily mean that they are surfing bad sites.

You also have to ask yourself if you aren't reacting out of jealousy. If that is the case, you need to understand that we men are as apt to see something erotic in a fruit stand as we are on a website. It's in our nature. You should only step in if you honestly believe it is becoming addictive.

Proceed carefully, giving him full benefit of the doubt.

-Guy