That One Guy 639

Dear Guy,

I am a 22-year old woman who has a big problem. My boyfriend and I have been together for four years, and we have always had a great sex life. He is really awesome in all respects. Only now, I feel like every time we hook up, it is a chore for me. He tries, but it seems to me like I have just lost interest in sex all together. He is a great looking guy and I am still attracted to him, but now I have to work to get myself in the right mind before I can even think about going to bed with him.

He reacts by getting frustrated and he says negative things to me, and that just makes it worse. Now he seems only to come close to me when he wants to have sex, and that's made the problem worse.

I know I love him but I am not sure what is wrong. Help.

-Unhappy in Midland

Dear Midland,

Scientists have conducted numerous studies on what once used to be called the "Seven Year Itch". This is the point at which couples begin to notice that the honeymoon is over, and their eyes wander to others. Despite its moniker, the true time frame is usually about year three to four.

It is true that that love is a chemical thing, at least in the beginning. Experts concur that the body reacts in a very physical way when it is in love. This mutual attraction leads to increased levels of dopamine and serotoninŠ.both responsible for that goofy rush that you got when you would see him. It was the rush that made your legs wobbly and your heart go pitter-patter. After about year three, the hormones readjust and the rush we once got from time spent with our companions becomes a memory. This explains the fact that some people literally claim that they are "addicted to love". It's the chemical reaction that pleases them, and when it fades, wellŠthey seek other ways of getting the feeling back.

Studies suggest that perhaps the rush we feel lasts just long enough to build a relationship, procreate, and then rear a child. Since human offspring take far longer than most other species to become fairly independent, it is suggested that by year three, Dad goes looking for another mateŠalthough the phenomenon is not always limited to the male of the species.

Couples who have been together for many years will tell you that their relationships went through many phases. What they count as their greatest success is, almost invariably, their ability to remain friends.

If your body is saying no, and you keep trying to convince it otherwise, maybe you need to take a long look at other aspects of the relationship. Whether consciously or not, you may be telling yourself it's time to move on. You most certainly may still have feelings for this person, but if you have difficulty even discussing this issue with him, you may have a bigger detachment than you're letting on.

If you have no major health concerns that may effect your libido, and the relationship is important enough to you to do some soul searching, I recommend talking it over with your boyfriend and doing what you can to get to the bottom of your feelings. If he is not sympathetic, you may get your answer. Either way, I advise that you get some counseling to get in touch with some of the things that may be affecting your ability to connect.

When all is said and done, understand this: Every relationship has ups and downs. The ability to roll with the changes, as a couple, determines your odds for success.

I wish you luck.

-Guy


Dear Guy

I am a thirty six year old guy who has been in love with his wife since the day we got married, 11 years ago. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I am still the luckiest guy in the world. She puts up with my love of sports, my long trips hunting, and my nights out with the guys. She doesn't call to check up on me and she trusts me one hundred percent.

Recently, I slipped. I went out for a night with a friend, he didn't show, and I wound up with a girl from the bar where we were supposed to meet. I came home at five in the morning, and my wife, bless her, never asked me a thing about it.

Now I feel guilty as hell and I don't know what to do about it. We have a great marriage and it's built on trust. Now I feel like I have put the whole thing at risk. I want to tell her, because I feel she would understand. In time I think we could get past it and I think I would feel a lot better knowing I told her.

What should I do?

-Slipped in Saginaw

Dear Slipped:

There is an old axiom regarding infidelity in a marriage that has some measure of common sense: "Deny Deny Deny".

In this case, it's more like "Don't ask, Don't tell".

The fact that you want to redeem your indiscretion with a dose of honesty is honorable in a way, but the impact of it has far reaching consequences. If you were careful and used a condom, if you can assure yourself it will not happen again, and if you can view the event, objectively, as a genuine mistake, you likely would not benefit from creating the hurt and upheaval that confessing could create.

Ask yourself who will it make to feel better? Is it your wife, or you?

Mature adults still make mistakes, but they live with them, own them, and, with any luck, they learn from them. In your case, you have done something hurtful to your wife and you seem to realize the impact of that action. It has obviously helped you to better appreciate what you have, and you may, in the long run, show her that appreciation in more positive ways.

The best advice I can give you is to look at the reasons for your feeling that you need to tell her. Ask yourself what the impact will be, ask yourself if you're capable of making the same mistake again, and draw a conclusion from there. If you decide you will keep this mistake to yourself, you must also decide in what ways you intend to prevent yourself from getting into other situations, which might lead to the same result.

Sounds to me like you've got a good sense of what's important to you. Go with that.

-Guy

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